The Lover After Me
by Kisaragi Yuu
Summary: [chapter 4 uploaded] Ranken with Yohken in it. The truth is... there's no lover after him. Rated NC-17 for language
1. The Blunt Coffee and a Broken Heart

The Lover After Me

My try on Yohken and Ranken, of course, more angst coming^^ comments in any way are accepted with both hands!

Warnings: shonen-ai, angst^^  
Spoilers: none (for now)  
Disclaimer: Wei doesn't belong to me, nor the song 'Please Release Me' and 'The Lover After Me' by Engelbert and Savage Garden (I love Savage Garden^^) 

**The Lover After Me**

Part 1: Blunt Coffee and a Broken Heart

Kisaragi Yuu 

I am sitting in my darkened room in one late night, don't care about seeing the clock and notice what time is it. I just sit here, an untouched coffee on my left hand and nothing in my right. Thinking about Ken. Thinking about you. 

Why? Why do you have to go so soon? 

A flash of your face could be seen anywhere right now. The face that I adore so much, the face that full of life, the face that meant everything to me... so innocent. Nothing could compare the cheerfulness in you. I love you... so many times I told that to myself, but never, never to you. 

To think and regret how much a foolish I was. 

I take a sip of my coffee. 

And now that you are not mine anymore, it's my own fault. My own stupidity not to tell you how much I love you, no matter how many signs of love you sent to me. 

Even after you came into my room that night, and sang to me a heart-breaking song. 

**'Please release me'**

How? 

How can I release you when I love you so? 

**'Let me go for I don't love you anymore'**

Hurts. 

**'To waste our lives would be a sin'**

Eventhough you said those cruel words to me, I still... I couldn't stop loving you, Ken. No matter what, eventhough... eventhough... 

**'Release me and let me love again'**

Eventhough you belong to Yohji now... 

The black coffee never feels so blunt. 

*** 

The morning starts with the sun shining gently upon the city of Tokyo. I open the flowershop first today, wondering on the wooden table about what should my face look like to him today. 

Will it be sad? Will it be expressionless? What should I do when I see him? 

Doesn't give me an enough time to think, fate send Ken to the Koneko earlier than the usual days. He's startled when he sees me, of course, I am the one who he broke the day before yesterday. Maybe the first boyfriend that he broke too. 

"A-Aa... Aya, ohayou!" 

His trembling voice even makes me feel uncomfortable. 

I have to do something, something usual by the cold mask of mine, something that will make him feel better. I don't care about myself, let myself be, broken and shattered for all I care, it's just... it's just I don't want him to be sad. 

So I take the first mask that I have and mastered in: coldness. 

"Hn." 

I could see his face fault and the gleaming eyes seen very guilty. It's like he just committed a very devilish sin. Why? Why Ken? You did the... right thing... I don't deserve you, you don't have to tell me about it. I will have to part with you, sooner or later anyway. 

But... I love you... and all the common senses in me couldn't get me an answer of why did you do that. 

"Aya... umm... about that night... I..." 

"Why?" I cut his words off. The words that I don't want to hear. 

His eyes widen at the snap in my voice and the look in my eyes. Although what I look like in times like this escapes me. 

"T-that..." 

"Why, Ken?" 

He pauses. 

"You never say you love me... that makes me feel unworthy for you. Every look of cold that you throw to me every single night when we were together... hurt a lot. I couldn't stand it anymore...so..." 

Nani... 

Just... that? Because of my cold looks to you? JUST that? 

Trying to stretch my patience from grabbing his wrist and look at his eyes deeply, just to show how much I love him, I lower my eye level to the ground, shoulder trembling and fists clenching. 

"...Aya?" 

Hurts. It hurts a lot. In my heart, the broken sound of a heart could be heard. The glass heart that brought up to Heaven and disgustingly thrown away by an angel... deep down to Hell. 

"It's just because of that...?" I ask, couldn't help my voice not to tremble. 

"A-Aya... I can explain..." 

And it's when his new lover walks into the Koneko, all with his shining face of happiness glued on his face. I'm like seeing my own face before the night from yesterday. 

Yohji looks at us and he doesn't take much time to understand the situation we are in. 

The devil's triangle that each of us doesn't want to let go. 

Yohji, being a defensive lover after me, hugs Ken from his back and looks at me, teaming up with Ken in putting an against war with me. I don't step back though. My pride and my dignity are what left in me now don't allow me to do so. 

But... 

They are broken, they are lost, they are gone... forever, ever since Ken said about releasing him to... 

...to Yohji... 

Couldn't bear with the pain, I lay my trembling backbones to the wooden table, sitting on it, eyes still glued in them. Ken really doesn't look comfortable though, why of course. 

And when I think about something to say... I say the first thing in my mind. 

I start to sing. 

_Here I go again, I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today_

Yohji and Ken widen their eyes, a sign of unbelievable feelings they have in mind. 

_It's been seven months in counting  
You've moved on, I still feel exactly the same.  
It's just everywhere I go all the buildings know your name  
Like photographs and memories of love_

Yes, I still feel exactly the same... ever since we punched each other when we first met, ever since you stop by in my room every night when we were together. I still love you... and will never change this feeling of you, no matter what. 

Ken's eyes trail down to gentle caress as I go on. 

_Steel and granites reminders  
The city calls your name and I can't move on _

"Ken, don't." I could hear Yohji's voice to him as he cup his hands harder on Ken's chest, hurting me even more but doesn't and couldn't stop me from singing my feelings to him.

_Ever since you've been gone  
The lights go out the same  
The only difference is  
You call another name to your love  
To your lover now   
To your love... _

The lover after me

And as Ken couldn't take it anymore, he pushes his face to Yohji's wide chest. Yohji throws me a dark glare, telling my by his eyes that Ken is his now. I look at him, blank-faced, I could feel myself don't feel any kind of pains now. 

Maybe it's just too much of the pain that I can handle until I couldn't feel it anymore. 

"...Take me away..." Ken whispers to him, red-faced. 

I could see that Ken starts to cry when Yohji folds his arms around Ken and throws me one more glare before he walks out from Koneko, carrying Ken with him. 

TBC~ ^^ 


	2. Dusts Of Heart Pieces

Thanks for the comments guys

Thanks for the comments guys! *glomps* I made this during an evening in a cold Monday ^_^ hope you like it as much as I do. Do keep reviewing ne? All kinds of comments are accepted! *hugs* 

Warnings: shonen-ai, angst^^  
Spoilers: none (for now)  
Disclaimer: Weiß doesn't belong to me, nor the song 'Please Release Me' and 'The Lover After Me' by Engelbert and Savage Garden (I love Savage Garden^^) 

**The Lover After Me**  
Part 2: Dusts of Heart's Pieces

Kisaragi Yuu

It's the 23rd day of cold October when I open my eyes, just to look at the clock that point to 7 AM in the morning and soon find out that it's raining. The raindrops that fall down to the earth, making my heart to savor the minutes of painful memories as the thoughts of Yohji holding Ken come to my mind. 

I motionlessly tilt my head to the side of the white-sheeted bed, one hand tugged on my blanket and the other on my forehead. I try to think about something else, something really different, anything, other than the thought of Ken. 

How about soccer games? 

No. 

How about chocolate brewed Milo and apple pancakes? 

No. 

How about the scent of pure mocha and sun-bathed grass? 

No. No. No. 

Hell. I couldn't stop thinking about him. He, who goes all crazy whenever there's these dull soccer games, he, who loves chocolate brewed Milo and sweet apple pancakes for his breakfast in the morning, or he, who has this dainty scent of pure mocha and sun-bathed grass, heck to all the shampoos he used, he...

No, no, control yourself Fujimiya Ran, you can get through this. 

You are the cold leader of Weiß, the coldest assassin in your group and never cry anymore since that incident happened to you. You are sinful, way too sinful until everyday you see blood on your pale hands, hallucination or not, but they are the signs of sins. You never can or will fall in love seriously to the others, no matter who they are or where they come from. 

Not even the guy who's in the same group you are and live a sorrow life like yourself. 

No, especially not that guy, not... Hidaka Ken. 

But... 

I already did. 

And madly too. 

As I can't help it, this forbidden feelings for the beautiful brunette... I love him. 

I love you... Ken. 

*** 

Ken is late. And so is Yohji. 

The two new lovers that start to show off in front of me just to hurt me more. Especially the taller one, he always smile that kind of smile that I hate most whenever I see him. Showing that he has Ken now and I'm not. 

I never have liked that guy. 

Either way, emotion or devotion, those two are going to get a scold from their leader as soon as they arrive. 

Soon enough, the door creaks open, revealing someone that I don't expect to come, Omi. 

"Aa ohayou Ran-kun! I thought today is my shift to open the flowershop first?" his wide blue eyes sparkle in the morning, smiling his own cheerful kind of smiles to me. I couldn't help myself not to curve my lips a bit. He reminds me a lot of Ken. The two are the only one left with cheerfulness and innocence after these times. They are alike. So much alike that it even hurts me just to look at this blonde boy. 

"But I woke up earlier than you." 

He smiles to me, "Saa... I never could beat you!" 

I glance to him, 'never could beat you'? What does that mean? 

Giving the stare of my famous deathglares, I ask him, "What do you mean?" 

A faint blush comes to his cheeks as he tries to smile, reassuring me that nothing is behind that state. It doesn't work for me though. "Betsuni! Anyway, where are Yohji-kun and Ken-kun?" 

Aa... a tactic to save yourself from the topic, ne Omi? 

Although I know this is all just a play that he puts up with, I have no time to drag him in it, so I reply, "Hn." 

I wish I can say something more than 'hn's or 'hm's or 'whatever's. This is one of the problems I have until my beloved Hidaka Ken left me. No wonder... 

No, no, no, didn't you promise yourself NOT to think about Ken again? 

"Ne Ran-kun... daijobu ka? You look paler than yesterdays..." 

I widen my eyes, am not prepared for his face to come near me. Hiding my reddening face, I swing my head to the side and look down, "Daijobu desu." 

He really reminds me of Ken... even their hairs smell the same. Are they using some sort of popular mocha shampoo now? 

Then it's time when the door for the second time creaks open, now revealing the two guys I've expected to come. 

"You are late." That's my welcome to the blasted couple. 

Yohji smirks, sending me tons of laughter inside my head like a devil. God I hate him... soon he smiles and he replies, "Gomen, Mr. Fujimiya stick-shoved-up-to-his-ass Ran, Kenken didn't get a good night's sleep yesterday." 

Then a blush from my ex-lover rises up to his cheeks. I don't have to take so much time to realize what has been going on. Ken knuckles Yohji's waist gently as he tries to smile his usual smile to me, bowing his head a bit. 

"Gomen Ran, Yohji's car broke down when we were on the way." 

Oh? Now Yohji even drives you in or out the flowershop I see. 

Saying nothing, I take my back to face them as I go to the cashier and start working. Omi gets the sign to work soon though, he soon also joins me after he greets the lovers and takes his apron. 

This is going to be a hell long day. 

*** 

"Doumo Ran-kun! Oyasumi!" 

That's the last thing I hear from Omi before he takes his jacket and walks out. Yohji and Ken have been long gone, they said something about a meeting with soccer kids. I guess Yohji just wants to play with me, telling me all the unnecessary things that make Ken feels worse. 

Ah heck, now that's not my problem anymore, is it? 

Putting my mind of Ken away, I take the brownish flowerpot, heading for the storage room to put it in before I also go back to my apartment. 

When suddenly I hear someone's arguing with the other someone about something. 

I approach closer... and my realization doesn't take much time to find out they are Yohji and Ken. I thought they are gone... what are they doing in there? 

"Why did you do that?!" 

Ah that's Ken for sure. 

"Did what?" 

The lanky playboy himself, who else? 

"Telling Ran all the plans we have and all the things we did... don't you ever think about his feelings when he hear those things?!" 

"Oh? And why do YOU care?!" 

"He's... he's my ex and first lover after all!" 

"You still love him, don't you?" 

Silence. 

"I know it. You never loved me, do you? You never think of me when I kissed you, you always fantasize that it's Ran who's kissing you. Heck, I don't even know whether you are thinking about me or him now." 

"NO! You got that wrong, Yohji!!" 

"WHAT is wrong Ken?! You love him and you STILL do!" 

"I... I AM not in love with him!" 

"No, you are. But you just don't want to admit it. You love Ran and always do." 

"I NEVER loved him!!"

'...What?' 

'...What did he just said...?' 

"...You are lying." 

"No, I never... loved him."

'...You never...' 

The pot on my hand slips down and crashed, along with my heart, along with my love and trust to Ken, along with... everything. 

The sound of shattering glasses and broken heart could be heard, hitting the deepest floor of hell violently. 

The sound of my feelings, hopes and trusts that break. 

As soon as that, the coldness that was starting to melt comes again to me, now even more with devil's wings on my back. Filling me in with coldness, anger, and all horrible feelings I never thought I could have for Ken, for Yohji, for the world, for everything. 

The door flies open, revealing Yohji and widen-eyed Ken stand in front of me. 

"R-Ran!!" 

Even Yohji looks shocked, a bit of guiltiness spreads on his mimic. I don't look at him, instead I locked my violet eyes on the weak-looking brunette behind him. 

"Ran... are you eavesdropping at us?" Yohji asks. 

Feeling all the warmness left in me is purely gone, I answer, "Yes." 

Yohji's eyes widen as he finds the coldest leader stands in front of him. The one who is madly in love with Ken is gone by the wind, replaced by something demonic. Something non-feeling. Something called the Weiß leader. 

There's nothing in my feelings now. 

Empty. 

The devil hidden in me reveals its concealment. 

"Why?" Yohji asks again. 

Aa, the big-mouthed playboy talks too much. My hand move faster than what I think I should do, it punch him on the stomach awfully powerful. 

He hisses painfully as he throws his weight to the doorframe, whispering something to his lover to run away. 

But no, he doesn't know Ken well. The Ken I know will NEVER run away, he'll deal with this once for all. That would be great for now. I will never let him get away with this anyway. 

And he does as what my premonition tells. 

I stand in front of him. Violet orbs meet cinnamon ones. This is Hidaka Ken I'm facing at. The Ken I dreamt about every night, the Ken that I always have faith and hopes on, the Ken that I'm so madly in love with... 

...the Ken that played with my heart all this time long. 

"Are you happy now?" I ask, my voice raspy and dangerously low. 

He shivers for the tone I used, "...Ran..." 

"Don't 'Ran' me, Hidaka. You played with my feelings, you know I'll go serious with you, and that's why you left me. To see me lowering my dignity for you, to see me dreaming every night of you, to see me suffering due to the regrets that I didn't treat you well. You laugh at my behavior all these times long." 

"No, Ran! You misunder-" 

"Urusai!" I snap him, making him to stop talking all those lies I don't want to hear again, "Enough of your lies, Hidaka. I had enough." 

His eyes really show all of the sad emotions in them. If I didn't hear the state that he never loved me just now, I would have forgive him by now and ask him to come back to me, to try it again, to make it work. 

Even after he broke my heart in dusts of pieces, I still hope for him. 

But now... I will not do that again. So let's get this over once and for all, Ken. 

"Ran, listen..." 

I punch one of the pots that arranged nicely on the pot shelf behind him, breaking it at once with my hand. Many small sharp pieces of it stab my hand and make it bleed, but... I don't feel anything. I don't feel any pain. 

I approach to him, tilting my head closer to him, forcing him to look back to my eyes clearly. 

"Ran... I-" 

"My name is Aya." 

TBC~ 


	3. The Death of The Devil in Me

Thank you so much for your comments guys! Seems that many people liked the last part ne? ^_^ *smiles widely* I hope you still enjoy this fic now. And hopefully, this series will end in its fourth chapter. I repeat, _hopefully_^^; anyway, comments are always welcomed with both hands. Go onto the ficcie! 

Warnings: shonen-ai, foul words for part 3, angst^^  
Spoilers: none  
Disclaimer: Weiß doesn't belong to me, nor the song 'Please Release Me' and 'The Lover After Me' by Engelbert and Savage Garden (I love Savage Garden^^) 

* * *

The Lover After Me  
Part 3: The Death of The Devil in Me 

Kisaragi Yuu 

It's 1:21 AM in the morning when I look to the dusty ceiling of my apartment room longingly. 

The meeting of the two damned couple ended with Yohji stared with me with a 'you-are-going-to-die look, Ken limped and I walked outside muted. He thought I would do something warm like caressing his cheek when he limped, I guess. But no, Ken. 

It's over. It's over between you and me, Ken. 

I never know if we even had it started. You never loved me anyway, right? 

I move to the side of my bed, closing my eyes and my heart for any hallucination of Ken or such. Those things just make my heart bleed again. 

Speaking of bleeding, I still have my hands bleeding now, haven't I? Which reminds me that I haven't bandaged it yet. So then I get up from my white-seethed bed and head to the aid kit box I kept on the drawer. Taking it out, opening it, and finding no bandage is remained in there, I sigh. 

Guess I'll have to do with this bleeding. It doesn't hurt anyway. What hurts is here, I tap to my chest, grabbing it rather hard. 

I close my eyes, letting the dream realm brisk me in slowly... 

*** 

The sun shines through the city of Tokyo in one Tuesday's morning. 

I open my eyes as the sunbeam burns my eyes thoroughly, seems like last night I forgot to close the window. Digging myself back to the bed comfortably, I blink for several times, trying to cope up with the light. I have never been really good with sunny days. Then lazily, I tilt my eyes to the other side of my little bed... 

...and find Ken is sleeping by me, naked. 

I widen my eyes, getting up roughly, the white blanket falls down slowly and it doesn't take me long to find out that I'm naked myself. My jaw drops and I couldn't get it close. 

What the hell is Hidaka Ken doing at *my* bed?! 

While my intention is to scowl at him coldly and get him out from my apartment room as fast as I can... the beautiful scene in front of me doesn't allow me to wake him up and ruin this panorama. 

His breathing is so orderly puffed in and out, while some of his chestnut strands cover his bangs despite the other that is stroke to the back, as like melting with the white pillow. One of his hands is tugged out from the blanket, and it's the time when I realize that the seethe is so 'pale', compared to his smooth life-coloured skin. 

Perfect shape of body covered with the white seethed blanket, revealing enough flesh for the world to see and get jealous with him. 

That dainty scent of pure mocha and sun-bathed grass... 

He is very beautiful. 

So beautiful that it hurts me a hell lot to just look at him. 

Not giving me another minute to savor the moments of this graceful illusive scene, the realization of truth bangs my head to the wall and stabs me mercilessly. The truth that Ken is now other's, the truth that Ken claimed that he... 

...never loved me. 

_The devil in me, the angel in you will never be concealed together _

Anger spill to my mind again. And as soon as my enragement overflows in me, the scene of my apartment room suddenly changes to something pure black. I widen my eyes even more, finding that I already wear my Weiß custom and has a katana on my hand.

_I am me, you are you, the truth is the lie while the lie is the truth_

Seeing Yohji with his own Weiß clothes walks slowly to me before the darkness, I feel something liquid yet hard suddenly washed all over me. I look back at myself, and gasp as I see blood all over my clothes and chains on my parts of body. Enough chains to bind me hard, until I lose my ability to move. 

I look at Yohji whose eyes are tearful. He's crying. 

One of his covered hands points to me, I glance at the spot, it's my katana. That katana of mine is washed by blood too, until it's almost impossible for me to hold on the sticky blade. 

But Yohji keeps pointing at my katana. I look back at him, but he isn't looking to me. No, it's not my katana that he's looking at, his glance is focused on something behind me, from the dark. 

_So it's better for me and for you to be abandoned in two different times and spaces _

I slowly tilt my head to the back, suddenly afraid of something I will see. Sweats trail down to my cheeks, not helping in the crisis I'm facing. I look back... 

_As I don't know until when I could hold back these unbearable tortures you dumped to me _

...Ken... 

_I sacrifice everything for your own private happiness _

...I see the dead body of Ken, limply sprawl on the black ground. Slashes on his body are the slashes match to my katana length... 

_And your coldest attitude is what I ask for my regards _

...that means... the murderer of Ken is... 

"NOO!!" 

I get up from my bed violently, feeling what is washed over me and make my bed wet is my own sweats. I puff for breath, lacking of oxygen. 

"...Nightmare..." I whisper to myself, assuring that it's just a nightmare. 

I look at the clock, it's nowhere to the sun to come. It's 3:47 AM in the middle of the night, the moon is still conquering the earth now. There's no way something like that could happen. 

I put my hand on my face, brushing the sweaty bangs out of my forehead, still inhaling some oxygen rapidly. I could feel other liquid than sweats are trailing down my cheeks. 

They're... tears. 

Now what makes me cry is not the fact that I dreamt about killing Ken over this, but what makes my tears go out is the fact that the devil can't be restrained. I dared to kill someone I care about the most. Mercilessly. Purposely or not, I still killed him. Eventhough it's just in my dream, who knows what will the devil in me does tomorrow? 

I couldn't hold myself and control my emotions, like I always do for all these years. I've been through anything, but still my emotions are under my sanity. 

But why, over this love-matter with Ken... 

Why I couldn't get my shattered self back? 

I would be eternally happy if I haven't heard that acclamation. Eventhough I would be happy in tons of lies, but... sometimes, believing in something that you know is a lie, is far easier than to face the sick truth of life. But as far as I know, I always cope up with the sickness of life. No matter what the costs are, I always get through them sooner or later. 

But this... why couldn't I get myself over it? 

Why, Ken? Why do eventhough you tore me apart like this, still... I love you so? 

Why...?  
  
*** 

Asking so many questions but gaining no answer last night, I open my eyes sleepily, due to the restless night after that dream. I refused to go to the dream realm for the second time, supposing that I'd see a worse dream. 

The sound of children running and saying 'tadaima' could be heard from the outside world of my window. It must be around 12 AM or so. I never get up this late before... my head hurts. 

I get up from the bed, touching and brushing my hurting forehead. 

I remember on vowing something last night... ah, to now shut my mind and door to any kind of lights, wasn't it? I remember it all now. 

Aa, this is the only way I could hold myself clear and bounded. Who knows what'll the devil in me do if I ever let it go? Maybe killing Ken like the one I did in my dream could be true... 

It's so funny isn't it when last night I wanted Ken to suffer, but now I'm fighting my own self over this? I'm having my own torturing contradiction, as I couldn't decide whether to make Ken suffer or fight this devil in me. While my body is aching to choose the first option... my heart doesn't allow me to do it. 

Damn the good and bad side of me to hell. Why don't you just leave me alone and let me be, empty and shattered for all I care? 

Ah see, now I start to ask myself stupid questions. I'm so hopeless. 

What I need now is a shower. Definitely high rush of shower would be really good. 

*** 

"Konnichiwa, Ran-kun!" 

"..." I didn't reply to the youngest Weiß, but he already could find the reply from my eyes, I assume. He's far a good observer than those other two anyway. Looking around, I find no scent of the damned couple to be around. Saying nothing, I look at Omi. 

Omi smiles, understanding the question mark I sent to him, "Ken-kun and Yohji-kun ne? Seems like last night there was an accident happened in the storage room, so they are gone to the hospital. I don't know who's sick though, but Yohji-kun said everything is fine." 

Accident? Ah, 'accident' alright. Corrupting this little child with their lies... no wonder they can bear with lying to a mere adult like myself. 

"I see." I turn my back to face Omi, soon I start to work, making the little boy to lose the guts to ask me about my lateness. I don't want to answer it anyway. 

"Ne Ran-kun..." 

"Aya." 

"Eh?" he widens his eyes. 

"My name is Aya." 

Silence spreads over the flowershop, Omi keeps looking at me, suspiciously, "...Aya-kun..." 

"Nani?" 

Omi bits his lips, "I... wonder what happened yesterday at the storage room... Ken-kun said he was having a little clumsy-show again, but... his smile was different. It felt so... bitter." 

"..." 

"Something's up, something really bad is up. I just couldn't find out what is it." 

"Yes something's up, and you are not counted in, Omi." 

Omi raises his head to my cold state. I know that was rude, but, it really has nothing to do with him anyway, so why bother? He'll feel sad and shattered too like the rest of his teammates feel now, I wouldn't want to add one more masochist to our devil's chain. He really doesn't have anything to do with this. 

Like I have nothing to do with both Yohji and Ken's relationship anymore. 

"But... is it wrong?" 

Eh? 

"...Is it wrong to know what happened to your best friends, what incidents are going on in your house, or just being there to be with them, wanted or not?" 

Eh... 

"I'm still a kid if I'm being compared with you guys, but... all I know and understand very well is I love you guys and I won't leave you guys, my friends, alone in the dark while I'm in the sunlight alone. I prefer to be condemned to hell with you guys and suffer together, despite to be in heaven but all alone. Wanted or not, I'll be with my best friends." 

I widen my eyes at the statement. 

Then my inner mind is telling me that wanted or not, being broken-hearted or not, hated or not, it's not about the others feel about us, it's about our feelings for them. 

Although I'm shattered, although I'm hurt, although the devil in me has regained its consciousness, but it all lost due the fact that although Ken hurt me, although Ken broke my heart, although Ken claimed that he never loved me... 

...I still love him. 

The fact that my love for him overdue everything else matter, including the painful acclamation Ken made. 

I still... 

The door suddenly swings open, revealing Yohji with his face angered and catchy breath. Omi blinks while I still frozen at the fact that I found out just a minute ago. 

"...you fuckhead..." Yohji glares to me, "What have you done? Huh? WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE??!" 

"Yohji-kun...?" Omi squeaks, is afraid with the sudden rise on Yohji's tone. I look at Yohji, forget to put my blue mask on my face. Yohji stomps to me as he grabs the collar of my shirt and looks down to my eyes, more like glaring. 

"You never realized it, did you?" 

"Eh...?" 

One fist of full power flies to my cheek, making me to spit a little amount of blood, as Yohji doesn't give me any chance to breath and just grabs my collar harder. 

"Yohji-kun!!" 

"Shut up Omi! And how that baka Kenken loves him so, this fucking cold leader!!" 

What... 

I look back at Yohji, eyes wondering what is going on, "What... do you mean?" 

Another clenched fist flies to my hurting cheek, almost breaking my jaw down. 

"FUCK YOU, AYA!! Don't you realize that it's all a play?! Why the hell couldn't you see the look in Ken's eyes? What did YOU see over these years? Huh? Did you only see and savor the beauty of that stupid brunette? What have you seen among these years of him? You stupid shithead, what the hell have you seen?!" 

Yohji's words are spoken so fast until I couldn't take them all in. 

But then when the word of 'play' and 'Ken's eyes' sink to my mind... 

"You mean..." 

Yohji wants to fly yet another fist if Omi doesn't stop him, "Yohji-kun! Yamero!!" 

"Don't stop me, Omi! This damned fucking person just has to get beaten so his mind would get sharp again! Why couldn't he realize that Ken always loves him all these times long and just hurt him like he's a piece of shit?! And it's on the time that Ken is...!!" 

Ken is... 

"Ken is what..." 

Yohji widens his eyes as he clasps his mouth and realizes that he just spit out the words that I shouldn't have heard. I jerk myself from his hands as I grab his collar now violently. 

"What Yohji?! Ken is WHAT?!!" 

"..." Yohji realizes the mistake he just made. But I will not let him go this way, he has to tell me what is going on. Even if I have to tear his brain out and let that Schwarz redhead read his brain, I HAVE to know what happened. 

"Yohji-kun..." Omi calls almost too softly, he looks up to the oldest boy as his eyes are giving hundreds of signs at him. 

After a minute of silence, Yohji whispers, "...Ken is..." 

Yohji silenced, couldn't tell me what's the truth. 

I know that Yohji is a very stubborn person, and his ego won't let him spit out the answer. I bit my lips as I grab his collar harder, "Where? Where is the hospital?!" 

"...St. Theresa Hospital..." 

And as soon as that I run away from the Koneko, hearing Omi shouting my name but I don't look back. The only thing on my mind now is Ken. 

Ken, what the hell happened to you? 

TBC~ 


	4. No Regrets

Warnings: shonen-ai, foul words, angst^^  
Spoilers: none  
Disclaimer: Weiß doesn't belong to me, nor the song 'Please Release Me' by Engelbert and 'The Lover After Me' & 'You can still be free' by Savage Garden (I love Savage Garden^^) 

* * *

The Lover After Me  
Part 4: No Regrets 

Kisaragi Yuu 

The sun has disappeared, exchanged by the coldness of grayish clouds, a sign of rain. One thunder strikes down the earth ground, threatening the passer bys to get to a shelter as soon as they can. 

Who the hell cares about thunderstorms when Ken is somewhere in the middle of crisis? 

Don't care about the unfriendly weather, I run to the mentioned hospital, St. Theresa. I have to get there as soon as I can. No matter what. Ken is there. Hidaka Ken, the soccer player with the dainty scent of pure mocha and sun-bathed grass. 

My Ken. 

A car screeched to me, almost knocking me down in agony. The driver spites some foul words as I keep running, don't even care on looking back and say 'sorry'. What's in my mind now is Ken, nothing else matters. 

Promising myself that this time, I won't give up on fate, I keep running. No, I won't give up again. 

Not after it took away my family, my sister, my emotion and my life. 

This time, I won't let it take my one and only love, the only colour in my black and white life. Not this time. 

*** 

Catching my breath heavily, I arrived at St. Theresa Hospital as immediate as I could. Soon I burst to the main desk of the nursery in a speed that would bend any Physics theory down. Banging the desk hard and make some attention from the other visitors, I ask for Ken's room with the glare of mine. 

"O-oh, Hidaka Ken-san, is it? He's in..." 

The nurse flips back through the record of the patients she's holding. I tap my fingers impatiently, what's taking this stupid nurse so long? Doesn't she know that I'm in the middle of a definite hurry?

"Room 203, but he's in the surgery now, you could see him after..." 

"Surgery?! What surgery??" 

"A-ah?" The nurse steps back, I don't blame her for that. I, myself, am surprised at the tone I'm using and the change in it. But that's not it, I have to know everything. What the hell about this surgery anyway? 

"I-I don't know!" The nurse shudders. 

Biting my lips and cursing at the same time, I grab her shoulder, "Who is the doctor that in charge with him?" 

"Dr. Endo, he's in his office now, third floor to the right. Just next to the palm plant..." 

Ordering my feet to run as fast as they can, I bust to the doctor's office and open the doorknob almost too violently. The door swings in a swift moment as it reveals the mentioned doctor is drinking an aspirin with black coffee. Enraged, I stomp to his desk and hit it hard. 

"What is happening to Hidaka Ken?!" 

"Saa..." he drinks his aspirin calmly, "You must be Fujimiya Ran, aren't you? Ken-san told me almost everything about you. He also told me to hold you down if you ever run here like a scientific madman." He smiles, "Guess he really can predicts you." 

Slight blush comes across to my face. Wiping it away with my blue mask, I glare at him, "What is happening with Hidaka Ken?" I repeat myself monotonously. 

"Ken-san eh?" another sip of his coffee. And I'm getting impatient. 

"Don't get too calm about this! I'm serious! What the hell is happening to HIM?!!" I grab his collar and make him drops his cup of coffee. The lucid black liquid dropped and stained down the carpet, when the hand-made porcelain shattered although it drops on a soft surface. He doesn't even look a little bit scared, nor afraid, with still his mouth imparts. 

"Calm down, boy. You do realize that even by beating the crap out of me, the reality won't change, don't you?" 

Reality... WHAT reality?! 

I already met too many realities that anyone wouldn't believe they exist. Damn, this doctor talks too much about something that he even doesn't know about. 

"Are... you really a doctor?" I ask, doubtfully. 

"What? After breaking in and asking for your friend's health in an improper way, now you are starting to interrogate me? How nice of you coming by. Need my license? Here." 

Fuck, I don't need your LICENSE for the holy God's sake, I need the information about Ken's HEALTH. 

Like reading my mind, the doctor smiled at me. He sat down to his chair after he unleashed himself off me. Then he crossed his legs as he put on his glasses and took a file out of his drawer. 

"Sit down, Fujimiya-san." 

I stare at him in a no particular friendly way. 

"Sit down, I'm serious." 

I widen my eyes at the sudden change of his voice. He looks so stern with his eyes burning with full seriousness. I swallow my own fear as I sit down, am afraid of the growing truth. 

"I'm revealing the fact, ready or not," he pauses, "Hidaka-san is in a serious condition. All I can say is he has a severe damage in his senses, caused by an exaggerating drug capacity in his body." 

"D-drugs? But he never..." 

"Yes, he's NOT a drug addict, but," he flips his file and shows to me, "he's contaminated by morphine." 

I took the file from his hands and gasp. There written about how Ken admitted about one month ago, he was jut trying to help a kid from becoming a drug addict, but ended up with he accidentally stabbed the morphine into his own body, to the length of his life. 

Because before he inhaled it... he was already had an AIDS without him knew about it. 

He never had any interactions with people injected with AIDS, but when he was volunteering in a blood donor for little children, the services in the hospital were not complete. Never did he expect that the injections used there were not sterilized. 

"No, this couldn't be..." 

"Fujimiya-san..." the doctor put his hand on my shoulder, "the morphine in his body is working much faster than we expected, so..." 

"NO!" I cry, running out of the doctor's office rapidly. 

Dammit Ken, is this why? Is this why you ran away from me? Hiding the truth beneath the cruel act you did to me? This IS the reason?! 

Ken... WHY?! 

Running to the surgery room and barged in, the doctors and nurses there cried. One of them even has the quickness to grab the phone and call the security guards. Too bad for him because my hands are much faster than him, I broke the telephone right away before he even could press the numbers. 

"Y-You can't come in!" one of the doctors cried to me. 

Saying nothing, I open the surgery room, just to find there's no one there. I glare at one of the nurses there and ask, "Where is Hidaka Ken?" 

"He's already ported to his own room... room 43..." 

I run from the surgery room and head to room 43, although I hardly know the place but I know, somehow I'll meet him. 

To settle all the misleads we had... 

Ken... 

"KEN!" I open the door violently, just to find Dr. Endo already in there and Ken on the bed, lying motionlessly. I gasp, trying so hard not to let my tears fall. 

Ken looks so pale, so white until I couldn't see that playful colour on his skin anymore. His hair looks so brown that I hardly recognize the brownish colour anymore, seeing only reddish brown on my eyes. He's thinner, till the lines of his jaw on his cheeks are exposed. His eyelids are closed, a sign that he's somewhere in a dream that I almost couldn't tell whether he's dead or not. 

Maybe a dream that's too far away from here. 

I bite my lips while wondering how can I don't feel any pain in that bite. Even after blood starts to drip from the strength of my bite. What hurts is my chest. 

"This is the final stop." The doctor says to me. Soon, he walks out of the room for my comfort. 

I approach to Ken as I draw myself closer to him, I could sense that he's breathing properly. I take his hand up and hold it tight. 

"Ken... could you hear me...?" 

Receiving no reply, I lay my head on his chest, trying desperately to sense his heart beat... which I find is very weak, I hardly could even feel it. 

"Ken... you know what," I start to talk, trying to avoid the truth that he's not listening to me, "I just hit a new realization between us... when I thought I hate you from the confession from you that you never loved me, I'm lying to myself. I still love you, eventhough that you might never love me... but that's okay Ken, that's okay." 

I smile, not letting myself to look at his face, "Whoever guess that I learn this from Omi, that young kid? Life is so full of surprise ne?" 

Yes, full of surprises. But most of the 'gifts' from Heaven to me are the ones that I don't expect to come. From taking my sister and family away to the chance to live my life, I've lost them all. However now, I thank Heaven and the God or whatever they call Him because they take everything away from me... 

...because of that I could meet you. 

I would give them up, my life, my soul, or everything that I have, just so I could have you in my arms. 

If in the next life I reincarnate to an insect and you a human, I would willingly fly around you, until your beautiful soft hands grab me to death. 

With no regrets. 

I hold down my tears as they are threatening me to fall. No, I couldn't cry, if I do... that means he's dead, and he's not dead. He will open his eyes again and smile to me as he always does. Everything would be back again like it used to be. Nothing would ever change, he will smile again. 

And then I will smell his scent of pure mocha and sun-bathed grass again. We'll never be departed anymore, we'll always be together in long eternity. Just you and me, Ken... only us, both of us—forever. We'll be together... 

Right? 

My clench grows stronger. 

"Ken... please, open your eyes... you haven't forgive me for being mistaken to you... Ken... don't make me doubt... please..." 

If God or Demon wants my soul, I'll willingly sacrifice it to the exchange for the back of Ken's life. So please, just take my soul away, take it for all I care, but spare him. 

Then... with the gentleness as the snow, I feel a warm hand touches and caresses my cheek. The hands that I almost forget... so soft and smooth... how could I forget the beautiful caress like this? It's Ken, it's Ken who's touching me now... isn't it? 

I tilt my head up slowly, wishing that the next thing I'll see is his smiling face, out of my egoism. 

"R...an..." 

"Ken!" 

Ken smiles at me weakly. My heart aches as I see his too-gentle smile, but I also has this great reliefness deep down me that he finally awakes. 

Eventhough maybe it's just for a temporary moment. 

"I guess that babbler Yohji already told you everything... ne?" 

"Mostly. But I'll not believe any of those if I haven't hear it from your own." 

Another heart-breaking smile, "Ne, Ran...? Do you still remember about the joke I told you when we went to the amusement park...?" 

"What?" I smile back, tenderly caressing his hands like there's nothing disturbing happened to us, like he's just as healthy as ever. I really hate to lie, but if this could make him even a little bit better, then... 

"I said..." he begins, "let's promise if we ever be departed and get our own new lovers... we'll have to show the lover after us and make them fall in love with each other... so that we'll get envious with them and might want to make things back again...?" 

Aa, I remember that one. It wasn't a joke, actually, more like a maybe case. We were... no, we are in love with each other that we have faith that somehow, no matter what each of us do, we'll forgive the other one and get back together again. With the incident happened, I think we proved ourselves right, although there are some unforgiving cases, but we managed to skip it all through. 

"Yes, but that doesn't mean..." 

"Ran," he cut my sentence, "we both know that I'm not going to make it..." 

"Ken!! Don't say that!" 

"No Ran, listen to me... I have to ask for your forgiveness since I couldn't fulfill that promise we made... still..." he coughed an amount of blood that couldn't be categorized as 'little', "I will always remember you although I'm dead..." 

"No... Ken... don't leave..." 

"Ran... do you love me?" 

"Yes Ken, I love you so much... as I couldn't get angry at you although I tried to." 

"Thank you Ran... if you really love me... you know that you have to sacrifice me... you'll have the get a lover after me... somehow... someone..." 

"Ken, you'll always be my forever lover..." 

"Don't promise something that you know you couldn't fulfill..." he paused while smiling tenderly, "I have no regrets Ran, I love you too... but we both know that this departing time will eventually come, and then you'll just have to find someone else..." 

I bit my lips, don't know what to say anymore as I know, every single word that comes out from his lips is true. 

Then I start to hear some tones. Another song that I heard from the radio but never tried to listen to it. 

_No regrets or promises, the past is gone  
But you can still be free  
If time will set you free _

"Ken..." 

"Good bye Ran... find a lover after me..." 

"Ken, I love you..." 

"I love you too..." 

He closes his eyes, letting the darkness to brisk him inside with a swift moment. The hand that was cupping my cheek limps down, lifeless. 

He's gone. 

For eternity. 

A scream from a sinned demon could be heard as he lost his angel to death. 

*** 

Time passed quickly. 

It's been almost a year from your death, Ken, still I couldn't get your picture out of my head. I never think I'll meet the day that I'll forget about you. I still could feel your presence beside me, your figure, your feelings and your scent… I still could feel it all. You are alive, Ken. 

You are alive in my heart. 

I kneel down to the grave in front of me, the grave that is craved with your name on it. I hold down the purplish blue gentians from our own flowershop, the rest of us will be visiting you tomorrow. 

I stare down the grave, with an imagination of you beside me, asking who is it beneath this ground. I smile at the thought of you, being so innocent and childish are your specialties. And I love them all. 

"This is for you, Ken." 

I start to sing for the last time, continuing what I've sang last time. 

_Am I all alone in the universe?  
There's no love on these streets   
I have given mine away to a world that didn't want it anyway _

_So this is my new freedom  
It's funny  
I don't remember being chained   
But nothing seems to make sense anymore _

_Without you I'm always twenty minutes late _

_Ever since you've been gone,   
The lights go out the same,  
The only difference is  
You call another name _

_To your love, to your lover now  
To your love... _

_The lover after me _

The only thing that is wrong from this lyric is... I know that you still love me, you have no 'lover after me', still I'll have to let you go, and so do you. 

So this is the end, ne? 

_'Ne, Ran, do you love me?' _

The gentians fall from my hands to the ground. And I could feel warm liquid trail down my cheeks. 

There's no lover after you... Ken. 

- Owari - 

Comments in any shape is begged for!! ^.^


End file.
